A first step in reviving the holiday spirit may well be needed:  de-stressing.

These days, everybody (adult) is aware that the end-of-the-year holidays can be very stressful. Aside from the fact that they represent stress and/or bad memories for some people, the "extras" (expenditures, activities, and things you feel you have to do) may feel like too much for enjoyment… Not worth it, perhaps - even when we like the season, if it weren’t for that feeling!

I’ve balked at times at "doing Christmas", too. In fact, enjoyment-hampering holiday stress is one of the main reasons I began to think about all of this - and to reassess my approach.

And I’ve come to feel strongly that it’s important to figure out how to handle the holidays in ways that are more congenial and less stressful. …But many people don’t give themselves the permission to do this. Yet the fact is that when we’re strained or unhappy, those who we’re wishing to please and accommodate are bound to be less comfortable as well.

As Don Aslett, author of How to Handle 1000 Things at Once, put it, "Holidays were intended to give a lot, but many of them are now taking from us... Many of the special days are becoming a dreaded 'have-to' instead of the 'get to' they were meant to be. ...We are now looking for plain ordinary days, relief days... so we can rest, save a little money, and get something useful done. Fun, merriment, recognition, and rejoicing have their place, occasionally, but when the frosting gets thicker than the cake, the cake is ruined." I would urge you to ensure that your holidays are well-balanced - that you give yourself relief time as well as in-the-swim-of-the-flowing-stream time. It's up to you to keep your sharing season light rather than burdensome.

I would also encourage you to spend some time looking for compromises that will give more pleasure to you and those who you feel are expecting you to do things a certain way. It’s quite possible that you’ll find, from an honest look at the situation, that the people you’re accommodating actually don’t have the expectations you’ve assumed (or perhaps aren’t even alive!). …How freeing that could be!

I think you’ll find that for most issues, there are other options… if you use your imagination - and allow yourself the freedom to look for them. (And give others in your life the chance to adjust themselves - and have some different kind of fun for a change!) For instance, try planning get-togethers based on the need for simplicity and ease - they may be more popular with others than you ever imagined.

Of foremost importance, perhaps, is simply being flexible and open to other ideas. (By the way, brainstorming with a friend or two is a wonderful way to ensure that you’re not falling prey to old habits of mind. Ask them to help you come up with workable solutions to problems that have given you trouble in the past. One thing you’re sure to discover, or rediscover, is that the more people you talk with about holiday traditions, old and new, the more ways of approaching the same situation will be uncovered. …Everybody does it a little - or a lot - differently.)

This year, fit your observances and other choice to what you want to do rather than attempting to do what you think others expect of you. Giving yourself leave to modify (or even revolutionize!) your accustomed tactics begins with a gift to yourself:  determining to create a more enjoyable and less stressful holiday for you. (In fact, I believe that giving gifts to yourself is something that we would be well-advised to pay attention to! While we're looking at ways of bringing cheer, surprise, and meaning to the lives of others, let us also keep in mind that we are amongst those who could use some uplift, and perhaps some thinking out of the box. See Gifts for Yourself for more on this concept.)

Many of the suggestions in this book have their basis in the idea of rethinking the holidays - in an effort to strip away the stress, commercialization, and "knee-jerk-ness" that may have accumulated over the years and make them more pleasurable and meaningful.

So look for approaches that fit in well with your own lifestyle, that are realistically doable within the framework of the time and money and energy you have to expend. (Just because others send fancy Christmas cards to everyone they know, for instance, doesn’t mean you have to. You can share yourself in other ways.)

If you give it serious thought, I think you'll agree that the quest for perfection is actually a negative. Finding the positives may take thought too... But if we give up striving for perfection and instead focus on more positive priorities, the stress of the holidays will tend toward sorting itself out rather than ramping up.

Look for ways to make your sharing season happier, and I’m sure you’ll find yourself seeing how to make others’ holidays happier as well.

I’ve sorted out some suggested topics to explore along the lines of holiday stress defusion. The first category is that of food and parties…

• The first idea is:  don't. Don't even make your get-together have anything to do with eating - or keep the eating way in the background. For instance, you could gather some like-minded animal-loving friends between meals to spend time helping at an animal shelter... and go your separate ways afterward, or stop off en masse for fast food.
  
  
• Or, instead of partying, you could always plan a dinner out with your friends instead of entertaining them (and instead of exchanging gifts?). Meet at a restaurant - or even at a church potluck, or a nursing home. There's no need to make this any harder than is truly comfortable for you! Or...
  
  
• Consider surprises to individuals or small groups instead of big organized "do"s. You could drop in with a gift or snack (at work? at home?), and even drop right back out again if you don't want to take time to visit with everyone.
  
  
• Then, if you would like to invite people over for a party, you could choose to offer really simple food. Everybody loves finger food! Or make the simplicity theme part of the fun - e.g., have breakfast at dinnertime; or serve a "pioneer" dinner: soup, salad, and bread (or a "pie-n-ear" dinner: quiche, pie for dessert, and corn on the cob!).
  
  For a super easy party, how about a cold hors d'oeuvre menu?  Let people choose from an assortment of nuts, gourmet breads, pre-sliced cheeses, dried fruits, fresh fruits (sliced, if large), fresh veggie sticks, and possibly sauces, dips, or chutneys (guests can put what they want into tiny bowls that go on their plates). You can even serve this no-mess dinner on a paper tablecloth and use paper dishware and napkins, and wad it all up afterward... using it to start the backyard bonfire! (Or yeah, just go on a picnic - and if it's snowy, the bonfire will keep people warm.)
  
  
• Plan ahead, of course - and keep it simple unless you like hoopla. Also keep in mind the plan to enjoy yourself, in the preparation as well as when you’re offering hospitality. (If you stop and think about it, perfectionism is bound to be unkindness toward yourself.)
  
  
• Stash some party-type goodies away in the freezer, cupboard, and refrigerator for unexpected guests and last-minute invitations to stop by. (You can buy pre-made cookie dough, you know - even pre-made cookies! - and no one will give you a failing grade for not spending hours in the kitchen. Let the kids decorate, if not make, the goodies.) And don’t let dirt on your kitchen floor keep you from inviting people in - they really don’t care about that!
  
  
• If you want to have people over for a holiday dinner but cooking a huge meal stresses you out, make it a potluck. Others are like you! - and are glad to have to bring only one dish (or bottle; or the pretty paper napkins?) instead of having to worry about putting on the whole show. To me, the point of having people to a meal (or a long open house) instead of just a quickie visit is to be able to enjoy them for a longer period of time. (If your aim is to show off your cooking skills, you’re liable to be more wrapped up in your food and presentation than in your guests - and more stressed out about any detail that goes awry.)
   
  ...Or just serve desserts and festive drinks.
  
  
• If the cleanup of a big meal is the worst part of a party for you, use paper and plastic (call it a picnic if you’re too attached to the idea of china and silverware for "dinner"!)…
  
  
• Or don’t even have the meal at your house! People who want to get together with you don’t require you to open your house to a gathering… Rent a hall, or a big room in a restaurant or hotel. Have the party outside (I’ve partied outside at freezing temperatures, with either a bonfire in the middle or big heaters on the side). Get together with a friend - you do the party, at her house. (An especially great idea, if she has a big house and you have only a cramped apartment!)
  
  
• Wherever you hold a party, you as the planner should make a pact with yourself:  when the guests arrive, let go and have fun. It may be your job to attend to details, but it’s an even more important job to enjoy your guests. (Maybe you’d better practice saying "ah well!" at the thought of someone spilling something on your couch - and possibly have a damp cloth and dry towel ready. And if by chance you burn something while you’re being hospitable, plan to laugh about it!)
    
• If it's your own weight you're most worried about at parties, you can, of course, make any party that you give be about something other than food. And whether hosting or attending, there are some simple measures you can take to ward off the munchies:  Eat healthily before the party. Stay away from a food area if possible; if not, ask others to not serve or pass food to you. If you find yourself with a plate in your hand, eat only small bites and then lose it somewhere (or perhaps ask a friend to whip your plate away from you!). If you're in need of sustenance, select the healthiest offerings available and put them on a small plate.
   
• If you're having trouble sticking to a diet or are truly addicted to alcohol, tell those who invite you to parties that you'd love to come, but you just can't trust yourself not to indulge. You have every right and good reason to prevent the stress of disappointing yourself during the holidays. (And, though you couldn't ask for it, you just might find that some understanding hostess will be happy to tweak her party plans for your sake - or to get together with you under other circumstances instead.) 

  
Next comes kids (yours, mostly - if you have any young children or grandchildren who you'll be around)...

• There'll be less stress for all if you keep the kids less stressed - which means adhering to their familiar daily routines as much as possible.
    
• Their own holiday traditions are anchors too.  Whether they're visiting you, you're visiting them, or you're all visiting elsewhere, work to make room for any expected holiday foods, activities, and timelines that have come to mean a lot to them - even if you're folding in other people's customs as well. (Your family open gifts on Christmas day, but the visiting cousins open theirs on Christmas Eve... Not a problem - do both!)
   
• The younger the child, the greater appreciation for the simpler the holiday specialty. (A nice way to be reminded of our need to appreciate the simple things.)
   
• Keeping things simple mostly makes it easier for you - but you have to take into consideration that what you like to do isn't necessarily going to go over big with the youngsters... Tiny tots are often scared of Santa, and may be shy and standoffish around new people, for instance.
    
• Keep all the tiny-enough-to-choke-on ornaments, opened gifts, and such away from little ones! (and pets).
     

Then there are issues about visiting relatives, who might have traditionally stayed (problematically) in your house - or relatives who you have traditionally visited…

• Remember, change happens to everyone. Just because you used to do things a certain way doesn’t mean that you’re expected to keep it up under altered conditions. Chances are if conditions are altered for you, they may be for others (even if you aren’t aware of it); and if not, other conditions are altered for others, so that they’re likely to be understanding about these. (Also, most people now "get it" about stress; retirees, too, will in all likelihood at least remember what it’s like… if you remind them.) It might not make good sense, in the 21^st century, to try to make the holidays the same as they were for families in the 1950s or earlier… certainly not if the attempt means great pressure for you. Better speak up! - and create some new traditions among the old.
  
  
• If cooking with a visiting/visited relative drives you crazy, there are other options: Eat out. Have a meal catered in. Have finger food, picnicky meals (have a real picnic!) with foods you can buy ready-made. Let grandma help the kids cook the meal! Maybe mixing and matching some of these ideas (plus attending other people’s parties?) will provide the relief you need to enjoy the visit more.
  
  
• Treat the relatives to a stay in a nice motel or hotel. I felt badly that we didn’t have guest room space in some of our homes, but my parents enjoyed this alternative immensely. (Um… use your guest room for other things so as not to have the room available now? We’re talking about keeping your sanity, remember, and ultimately making everyone happier.)
  
  
• Perhaps you can more easily gather at the elders’ homes instead of yours if you arrange to take on all the burdens of keeping house. Many elderly folks dislike traveling but have given up putting on feasts and wanting (understandably) to do the work of hosting a slew of relatives in their homes. If their homes are still home, though (and not downsized to a small apartment), that may be where everyone would most like to get together… Which could possibly still be done if the homeowners will agree to let others do all the work.
  
  
• Or have everyone meet elsewhere entirely for the holidays. …Take a family vacation! Let restaurants cook all your meals; or rent one or more housekeeping units (which tend to go begging at Christmastime, when most families are getting together in homes).
  
  
• When people put on a large family reunion, they rarely expect them to last more than a few days - yet holiday visits might go on far too long for comfort. …So cut them short. Plan a trip? Go on a retreat? Do what’s necessary to minimize tensions that mount up over too many days of contact. (A couple of times when we spent Christmas with my husband’s family, my parents were happy to dog-sit for us, in our house, to which they traveled - and we had our own Christmas sharing with them before we left… and then another brief visit when we returned. …Two short visits were more satisfying and far less frought than a long one.)
    
• If the real trouble consists of old "in-grown" personality conflicts, some analysis ahead of time might turn up new ways of dealing with, or avoiding, the situations that tend to crop up and spoil togetherness. Make a list of what pushes buttons for each family member, analyze patterns of behavior from past gatherings, and brainstorm on new responses and solutions. It's worthwhile thinking about how you could engineer things so that the triggers don't get activated. Doing a little soul-searching yourself, to discover how you might be contributing to any problems, can be time even better spent (because you can be sure to have the opportunity to manage you).
  
  
• Then there’s the possibility of being alone (or alone with your own spouse or family and no extensions; or with only one of your siblings instead of all five). I’m an only child, so if I didn’t get together with my parents for Thanksgiving or Christmas, they weren’t going to be with any family. But parents of married children are used to sharing with the spouse’s family. And the fact is that many people like spending the holiday in their own nuclear family units, or with friends, or truly alone; maybe even your parents do! - or would, if they tried it. Or perhaps a widowed parent would like to travel with a friend when rates are cheap. I don’t think anyone should feel that they must get together with relatives every year - unless this is what they enjoy.
    
• No matter how you decide to participate in family gatherings, you can make some effort to put stressors and annoyances (even major ones) into perspective:  Our family members won't always be around. What do we want to remember of our times together? - focus on that, and on creating some of your better memories.

  
As to being alone, this can also be the problem. I don’t feel qualified to say much about the holiday depression that some people experience, except…

• Be aware that those you know may dread the holidays for this reason (whatever its cause). There may not be anything you can do about it, but your sensitivity may be a gift in itself.
  
  
• Some people may prefer to handle their holiday distress by "hunkering down" by themselves (or perhaps going on a trip that allows them to avoid holiday celebrations). …This doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t like to be asked to get together with you. Your kind invitation may mean a lot to them; but your gracious and understanding acceptance of their declining will also be important.
  
  
• Other people may love the idea of getting together with you - but on their terms. You might like to kill many birds with one stone by throwing a party; but if that’s all you’re willing to do, you might be missing out on some agreeable chances to brighten other people’s lives... Someone who hates parties may still crave companionship - which you could give them in a one-to-one or family setting. A friend from before your marriage may not enjoy your spouse but would love a holiday lunch at a restaurant with you - or would rather just go Christmas shopping in tandem. (Or maybe one of these people would even like to help you prepare for your party... even if s/he would prefer not to attend it. Just "let"!)
  
  
• Particularly if you find yourself with several people who aren't in typically festive mood, you could consider throwing a special kind of party to offset this. ...Like a "Let there be Light" party (especially good for those with SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder, in which an ongoing lack of daylight gradually leads to clinical depression).  Or how about a "Forget the Yesteryears" party? - during which the participants focus on making new traditions and memories.
  
  
• Many people are lonely on holidays because most other people are getting together with family or close friends only. You might consider making it a habit to include a solitary acquaintance or two in some holiday season meals, for instance. (If two, wouldn’t it be great if they hit it off together?)
  
  
• Ever thought of "adopting" someone in a nursing home for a day? Or adopting the whole nursing home? (maybe by throwing a party there; better yet, by getting a few other families involved in adopting each resident, so that everyone got to enjoy some one-on-one time with a new friend). Or just find out which residents (or convalescent hospital or hospice patients) have no one who visits them, and concentrate on them. …Just a simple touch - a small gift, if only of your precious time - might turn the negative into the good.
  
  
• And if you ever find yourself depressed about the holidays, step back and give yourself room to find your way. Some years are harder than others, and you can’t always expect to find yourself in the same frame of mind as winter comes on. Your honesty with yourself (and your family and friends) is just as critical as bestowing on yourself the same compassion you would extend to someone else in similar circumstances.  (I can also highly recommend the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns, M.D. - for understanding and remedying depression as well as any painful feelings.)  And, let there be light! (you might have SAD, too, and not even be aware of it).

  
Flexibility is so important!

I think that we too often in life allow our habitual thinking and doing to prevent us from finding solutions to our own discomfort (and often, the discomfort of others). I believe strongly in there always being a work-around - a creative solution; and that usually there is a creative solution that will satisfy most of the actual requirements of a given situation (with some compromise), if not be just fine… and that it is also apt to be an interesting new path to explore.
  

Next is a related matter, another common holiday dilemma that is derived from what we might call the clash of our interpretation of others’ expectations and our own desires…